First, I wrapped up radiation a little over 6 months ago. I've been more exhausted the past 6 months then I was during my 6 months of treatment. I think that the adrenaline and stress from pushing through my treatment finally wore off. Radiation was harder for me then chemo. I've heard that is usually harder on a person than the other. Chemo brain lingered for 30 days after treatment. I seriously slept for 9-10 hours a day during my last week of radiation, and up to 30 days afterwards. I also got my period back right away. That was a pleasant surprise and relief. But I couldn't tell that it was my period or just spotting. I figured it was just a little spotting then I would wait and see how things worked out. My hair started to fill in. I thought that things were moving right along. I should not have any further complications.
Sixty days after radiation I started to get my energy back. Of course, that was the turning point when everything hit the fan within one month.
The first weekend after I regained some energy, I started to work out again. I saw that my toe nail completely came off my toe, like the hood of a car when it pops open. I went to the foot doctor right away. Apparently, it's common to lose toe nails due to chemo, even months after chemo. The doctor told me that cancer patients can still have low immunity even months after treatment concludes. I spent the next month soaking, limping, preventing further nail loss, and desperately trying to get my nail to grow back attached to my toe. I could not wear regular shoes without an extreme amount of pain.
At the same time, I found another lump. I spent 3 weeks waiting to get a mammogram. It was noticeable--firm and the size of a pea. I panicked. I did not feel the previous one. I called my family and boyfriend in tears as soon as I found it. We each took a deep breath and waited for the mammogram results.
I also got sick for 3 weeks. I kept working all through chemo and radiation. I did not get extremely sick during that time, even when my coworkers came to work sick routinely. My immunity was still down in March so of course, I finally came down with a nasty virus.
Ninety days after chemo, the virus went away. My toe started to heal nicely. I could walk easier and wear shoes again. Plus the lump that I found was a benign one that they marked last year. I breathed a sigh of relief. My hair grew back to the point where I could start to cut it. My boyfriend said that I looked like the comic book hero Wolverine. My hair grew in differently. The hair that survived cold caps is straight and long. The new hair I have is soft, darker, and curlier. It's just frizzy all over, which makes blow drying a fun experience. I have more gray hairs than I can count. According to my boyfriend, I look like the comic book here Wolverine from X-MEN. I think I just look like Albert Einstein. I'll let you decide.
Five months after chemo, I was in a car accident. Luckily, I suffered only minor injuries after being rear-ended. My car was totaled though. I had the joy of looking for a new car, dealing with insurance companies all over again, and trying to not wear myself down from all the stress.
After six months, my energy is starting to return. I'm still not 100%, but I have enough energy to do some mild hikes. It's a step in the right direction. The most recent challenge is not letting stress from work overwhelm me. That's a huge undertaking. Each day is a battle. My hair is still growing back. I still get neuropathy. I'm terrified it will turn into lymphedema. I struggle to find the energy and strength to make it through my work day.
I've shared all of this to give perspective on what the past 12 months have been like: cancer, chemo side-effects, cancer scare and car accident. That's a lot of life changing events. I wish I could say that they were fun ones, like starting a family or getting married. All my friends are at those stages. I wish I was there. But I've never taken the normal route.
The women I talked to in the support group shared their stories. Each one has a surreal, life-altering perspective. Their lives will never be the same after each diagnosis. The tip that I shared with them is to be in the moment during treatment. That is the one regret that I have. I did not allow myself time to fully rest, accept what I was going through, and even take medical leave from work if I needed it. I've paid for it for the past 6 months. I would not recommend that to other cancer survivors. My one regret is that I feel like I lost some of the me through this process. I'm struggling to get it back.
The other thing that breaks my heart is how alone you can feel after treatment ends. When I announced that I have cancer, people expressed concern and sympathy. After my treatment ended, people offered congratulations. It compartmentalized my experience into a nice package. I didn't realize that battling cancer would be a life-long process. Mentioning that I still feel the effects of cancer, or that I wear a wig makes people uncomfortable. I forget that the cancer makes you appreciate the people who really support you, versus the ones that fade away as I went through treatment.
I shared this with my sister and mother at the American Cancer Society "Relay for Life." It was amazing to see cancer survivors of all backgrounds and ages walk a lap to remember their journey. I was lucky that my sister and I are both cancer survivors. We've supported each other through our respective journeys. My mom and grandmother joined in the walk too. I'm so grateful to all my family and friends who continue to share their love and support with me.
The only request that I ask is that you continue to show your love and support to cancer survivors, even after they end treatment. Battling cancer is a life long task. It's not an easy one. The love and support of others makes all the difference in finding the positive during the black cloud known as cancer. I've felt that some of the people I know have disappeared over the past few months since I ended treatment. Life happens. I get that. The support group leader said it best today: once you face that you're life can end, nothing else seems to compare. Please continue to show your love and support in any way you can. It's important during and after treatment. I hope that I do not have to face cancer again. I have a feeling that I might as I get older. But I know that I will keep fighting and sharing this story to help others. Please share your love and pass this along, to both cancer survivors and their caretakers. Even a simple hug, "Hello" on your favorite social media, or a smile can make all the difference. I'll be thinking and sending good thoughts to everyone this summer.
