Working full time during chemo? Gotta pay those bills

Can you work while doing chemo? The short answer is yes. It's not easy. In fact it can be down right painful, exhausting, and frustrating to tears. I try to find humor, such as calling my cancer breast "Franken-boob" because it has surgical scars. My surgeon was not happy when she heard that. I've healed perfectly and taking chemo exceptionally well. So well, that I'm insane enough to keep working regular hours. In fact, I'm working more hours to keep up with everything. That's why I have not blogged in so long. 

Here's the end result: I'm burned out with having to put in all this extra effort without feeling like I'm getting benefits. Most people take disability leave, work part time, or may quit working altogether if they can afford it. Not me. I'm a workaholic. I'm a masochist--but not in a fun way I guess. I just cannot stay at home. I will go nuts waiting for my next treatment. I started all of this thinking I could work and have a person back me up.  My back up has been out the past three weeks. 

The past 3 weeks have been nothing but: work travel, doing my daily job (8 hours), plus participating and leading 8 four hour training sessions. I started chemo two days after my 2nd egg harvesting. I will be in chemo for 12 weeks. I've got 3 weeks left. My last chemo is on Halloween. Usually, you take 4-5 days to rest and recover after the chemo infusion session. 

Not me. i work longer hours to keep up with my work load. I do work before and after my chemo session, on the day of chemo. I go into work the day after chemo, then get my immunosuppression shot. I end up working longer than I did ever before. Things are so crazy. I have trouble being around people who can't relate to me. They don't understand why I may be acting different or out of the office so much. I try to keep things confidential. So people don't know why I'm out of the office so much. Nor do they all get it when I say that I have to take care of a "family medical matter" or a "personal medical condition" or a follow up appointment for the surgery I had months ago. They get frustrated when I can't keep up because I have so many things going on. It's tough. Really tough. 

Then again, there are people who do get it. People who do know all the details about my cancer have been really supportive. I love it when they send me prayer cards, or mention they are thinking of me. 

My workload is too much right now. It's picked up at work which can be good. But it makes it hard to  get time to rest. When I'm stressed it means less sleep. Then I am more likely to get sick. I am exhausted at the end of the each day. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch at 5pm after waking up at 530am to get into work. Usually I am lucky if I get 4-6 hours of sleep per night. I booze it up get sleepy if I have to.  Or I drink cancer away. Whatever gets me to unwind after work. 

There are other little things. My headaches that cannot be alleviated by ibuprofen. I am hooked on Gillmore Girls just so it means I give my body a chance to rest. My body aches and joints hurt so much that I can't walk a long distance.  Good example, on the day that I get the immunosuppression shot I can't walk easily. I ended up parking in the closest spot I could find to a store to pick up groceries. It was a spot for plug in electric cars. Not a smart idea, but I could barely walk. I figured I'd take a chance. Of course, I get a parking ticket. The parking ticket was given by a differently abled person in a motorized wheel chair. I explained to him that there were no other parking spots. It hurt to walk because I just had my chemo session. It was the closest place I could park. Could he reconsider the citation? I cried explaining that I just can't function and walking far was too much for me. Tears coming down, he looks at me and says. "Sorry, I have to issue this. Things will get better." I looked back at him and said: "No they won't." I would have thought that he would understand, being handicapped. I may not look like I have cancer, but I do. 

It's miserable to be alone while others are busy in their daily routine and can't stay in touch. I'm blessed to have my a couple of friends, family and my boyfriend around to help. I get envious of my boyfriend when he gets to go out and have fun while I'm stuck at home because I feel like crap or have work to do. I worry that I complain about r so often that people zone you out, but try to empathize when they are in the mood to pay attention. I hate avoiding sick people or cancelling plans because people get sick, not something the be around when you are on immunosuppression drugs. I'm tired of feeling unappreciated and overworked. It's even harder to see people rewarded when they aren't working as hard as I am. I maintain the pretense that things look normal when I really want to break down and forget about it all. I try to find the humor in dark times and place, even when other people don't know if you are trying to be funny or how to respond.  It's even more difficult to hear about how people get to take these ridiculously expensive trips to celebrate being done with cancer. Must be nice. I'm busy fantasizing about everything else you could be doing or spending money on for the short-term and long-term instead of watching cancer suck you dry. (Not like my teat isn't already worn out from chemo or anything.)

and then there is insurance... and the cost of everything. 

• I'm trying everything to get the insurance company to work with you--begging, playing nice, yelling--nearly using obscenities 
• I'm waiting for the insurance to pay when it is 4 months after your procedures
• I'm stressing out about finding any and all financial assistance from organizations. Realizing that there isn't any because you make too much money to qualify but not nearly enough to cover the cost of everything. 

There is no money to celebrate my little victories. No trips, nothing major to celebrate continuing on with life. Just working full time to pay the bills while my insurance ignores me. The cost is astronomical. 

Here's my tab so far:

• Lumpectomy, remove cancer lump = $15,000 (estimate, still waiting for insurance to pay)
• Anesthesia = $1800 (anesthesiologist is out of network, and I did not find that out until after the fact. Insurance is covering $1800 of it.)
• Lab work = $2,000
• Egg retrieval x 2 = $5,000 + $10,000 (if insurance does not cover my 2nd procedure, and they still have not paid)
• Freezing eggs, which insurance does not cover = $300 annually, if I qualify for financial assistance
• Medications for lump removal and chemo = $500
• Medications for fertility = $100 (Received $9000 worth of free fertility drugs) 
• Cold caps = $3,500
• Chemo = $33,000
• Radiation = $2,500 per session x 5 days a week x 7 weeks = $87,500

Total  to date = $156,400.00

There's no way that anyone can cover that cost if they are single, deplete whatever savings you have,  and live in the SF Bay Area. I have a low deductible good PPO insurance. Yet I can't get my doctors paid because the insurance continues to deny payment by saying they "need more notes." More like they are finding any and every excuse to delay payment for as long as possible. 

Me, I just work and work and work. Some how bills have to be paid. Even when I'm too tired to carry on. I'm running on adrenaline, fumes and the hope that this will all be over at some point. But it can't carry on like this.

I'm at the point where I have to ask for help. That's where you come in. I want to do something to celebrate making it through my cancer experience. But make it a fundraiser too so maybe I can actually afford to live in my home, pay for food, and maybe a family by keeping my future babies frozen.  

I will try to put something together in January. I will keep you all posted for details. 

I'm not trying to dishearten people by bringing this all up. It's just a reality check. You can work. If you have the headstrong perseverance to keep going when your body, mind, and heart want to continue like that. If you are lucky enough to consider taking a break, then by all means do it. But that's not me. I've never done things easy. Taking this path is only for the strong of heart, and the deliriously dedicated. I need to find a way to keep going.  As we all do when adversity like this arises. If you  can, please help by supporting people that undergo situations like this. Money, hugs, thoughts, prayers, it all helps. But money most of all. So if you know any good sugar dadies... you know which direction to send them to. 

My last chemo is on Halloween. I will have the chemo wrap up after. Cheers, and have a Happy Halloween after my last Chemo Eve.